Thailand

Hello friends, how you go?

 

It's been awhile since my last email. I've been on a rampant trek throughout Thailand and it's been nuts. This country is a land of contradictions and converses.

 

First stop: Chiang Mai, the country's "cultural" city. If we called Bangkok a cross between Los Angeles and Brooklyn, smothered in soy sauce, then Chiang Mai would be San Francisco with extra coriander.

 

Naturally I thought I'd love it, but I did not. Bad timing, basically. I was coming from Laos, the laid-back slice of heaven that was the highlight of my trip so far. Chiang Mai, by contrast, was densely populated and teeming with cars, motorcycles and tuk tuks all spewing out a sickening amount of smog. The main part of town was surrounded by a moat with few entrance points, and getting severely lost while knowing you're within 0.1 mile of your destination happened way too often. The people were surly. Thailand's nickname "the land of a thousand smiles" seemed wrong -- a million scouls was more like it. All this plus a heaping load of bad luck (renting a motorbike and losing the key and the resulting hysteria; having a furious cab driver yell "you STUPID!!" at me repeatedly for questioning a shady bus ticket he was trying to give me in exchange for one I already had; and getting shit on by a bird twice in one day even though I've historically never been much of a magnet for bird shit) made me decide to get a bus ticket straight outta town and to Pai, a three-hour journey away.

 

Pai. Where do I start? How about with this proposition: if anyone wants to go to Pai, as early as next week, count me in. I can't wait to go back.

 

It's this little town. It isn't surrounded by any other towns, but by little rivers, streams, waterfalls, and farmland. It's got a small-town feel kinda like Bolinas, but it's filled with awesome people, great food and shocking scenery. Tiny bars. Huts out surrounded by farmland. Reggae music. Live music. Artists. Thai massages given on people's front porches. Alleyways. Outdoor rotee stands. Roaming chickens. Lots of trees, and bamboo footbridges, and mist.

 

In one particular event-filled day I spent there, I ate breakfast, rented a motorbike, rode down a narrow road surrounded by farms, visited an ancient Chinese village and had tea with some old women that spoke no English whatsoever, scrambled up a waterfall, did some swimming, then went to the other end of town and soaked in some hot springs, rode an elephant to a river, then booked a 2pm bus out of town.

 

Too bad I had to leave and head to the town's antithesis: Bangkok, a sweltering, filth-drenched pit of hell and the most miserable place I've ever set foot in. Keep in mind I've been to Las Vegas, Phoenix, Miami Beach and certain parts of Southern California.

 

Or so I thought. This is a huge, huge, huge city. Multi-faceted and relentless. For every day there you want to bomb the place, you'll have another day that's unique and amazingly enjoyable. I'll just give you two extremes:

 

Scenario one: My friend Ben and I need to get from one neighborhood to another, probably a mile apart. We'd walk but we're carrying 40-pound backpacks and it's about 280 degrees out with 100% humidity. We get into a tuk tuk and the driver agrees to take us where we're going. After 20 minutes in smoggy traffic hell, he drops us off at the Southern Bus Terminal. We look at a map and see that it's about 10 miles in the complete opposite direction as where we're headed. We get into a cab and try again, and he drops us off at a boat terminal and tells us to take a longboat, and that it should only cost 10 baht. At the terminal, they tell us it's 45 baht. We get on the boat, and it drops us in a locals-only part of town where everyone's looking at us sideways. It's been 3 hours and about 280 baht, and we're standing at some chatoic intersection, dripping sweat, holding our bags, with no clue where we are.

 

Scenario two: We find a great hostel in a cool part of town and meet people from all over the world. We go out and get almost-lost in the city's endless labyrinth side streets, shop at some street stalls, grab some dirt-cheap food from carts all over the road, have drinks at some awesome makeshift sidewalk bars with little plastic chairs 8" tall. Someone offers me a seasoned grasshopper. I eat it. It tastes like Corn Nuts but less crunchy.

 

Next stop, Ko Samui. Not my choice, by my family's. They just flew out to meet me, and the next 10 days will be spent with them. It turns out to be like My Big Fat Greek Wedding Part II, minus anything having to do with Greek people or a wedding. But imagine it all -- rampant unreasonable bargaining, yelling, talking to the manager, renting a car and not coping well with driving on the left side of the road as Thailand does, hitting the wrong lever for a turn signal, windshield wipers awry and brakes slamming as people honk, and endless neurotic bickering. Family, you gotta love 'em.

 

The island itself is the tropical paradise it's supposed to be, but spoiled by everyone cashing in on tourism. Originality is nowhere to be found, as you'll see when you shop from any store or street stall on any part of the island. Here is a list of absolutlely everything you can buy on the island, each from no less than 55 different vendors in 6 different towns on the island, and each the exact same price as anywhere else:

 

Fake sunglasses

 

Swim shorts, t-shirts that say "No Money No Honey," knockoff Crocs, and bracelets -- with no variation in design whatsoever.

 

Pirated CDs and DVDs.

 

Suits from the endless array of custom tailors run by guys from either Nepal or Burma. Each shop has a guy out front with the same three pickup lines: The mindless "Hello! Where you come from? England?"; the conversation-seeking "Hey bro, nice pants! Where did you buy?" and the pathetically unimaginative "Hey boss! Nice suit for you inside."

 

Low-overhead, rent free special: Guy standing on the corner holding a monkey. You walk by and he tosses the cute thing onto your shoulder then snaps a Polaroid. "That'll be 250 baht please." There's one on every block.